


Not The Monster That I Knew

by weedviant



Series: Requiem [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: 911 Calls, Angst, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, One Shot, Overdose, Panic Attacks, Suicide Attempt, Trigger Warnings, Vomiting, a lot of crying, also idk how 911 calls work, and swearing, borderline panic attacks, but there aint no weed in this fic, connor swears a lot, cry you guys, i wrote this in my notebook forever ago and i'm JUST NOW uploading it, it's pure angst, oh nonono, sibling bonding???, they bond but it sucks that they have to bond THIS WAY, we all know connor smokes the good kush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-03
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2019-02-27 13:39:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13249362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weedviant/pseuds/weedviant
Summary: Zoe didn’t think there was anything good left in her brother. She’d wanted to believe he could get better, and she always told herself that...But one day, she’d given up trying to believe that. He was a horrible, abusive person. That was that.A week later, she regretted everything she’d come to believe.





	Not The Monster That I Knew

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in my English text book 10/26/17  
> I am only now uploading it  
> oops
> 
> *DO NOT SKIP*  
> Trigger warnings:  
> -suicide attempt (overdose)  
> -borderline(?) panic attacks  
> -vomiting  
> -swearing (thanks, Connor)  
> -mentioned drug use (is that a trigger warning if it is only mentioned?)
> 
> please leave some feedback??

Zoe didn’t think there was anything good left in her brother. She’d wanted to believe he could get better, and she always told herself that.  _ One day. One day, he’ll change. _ But one day, she’d given up trying to believe that. He was a horrible, abusive person. That was that.

  


A week later, she regretted everything she’d come to believe.

  


It was the first day back at school, her junior year and Connor’s senior. She was just on her way to one of her classes when she had seen Connor storm out of the school, and at first, she’d tried to chase after him, calling out for him to stop; he was her ride home later that day, so if he left, she’d lose her transportation. Of course, her luck, Connor left anyways, his hands clenched in tight fists, and a piece of paper in one. Zoe sighed, stopping where she was and just watching her brother storm out of the school. “What an ass,” she mumbled as she turned to head to her class.

  


She’d mentioned her predicament to some of her jazz band friends and they offered to give her a ride home, which she agreed to, thanking them. They did so that afternoon, and Zoe gratefully thanked them once again as she exited the car and opened the door to her home.

  


Her parents were both at home that day, so the house was quiet and empty. Connor was most likely in his room, smoking. Usually, Zoe would leave him be and ignore him, but today, she was pissed that he ditched her, so she wanted to talk to him. She dropped her bag next to the kitchen table and stormed up the stairs towards her brother’s room.

  


“Connor!” she yelled, finally reaching the top of the stairs and dashing down the narrow hallway towards her brother’s room at the end of the hall. Her pace slowed when she saw his door was open, which was never the case when he was in there. What was even more odd was that she couldn’t see any smoke and it didn’t smell of weed.

  


Slowly, she walked into the bedroom, finding it was lacking her brother’s presence. His room was a catastrophe--his bed was unmade, sheets thrown everywhere, there were dirty clothes all over the floor, and the clean ones were stuffed lazily into the drawers, poking out slightly.

  


Zoe was about to turn and just see if he was in the bathroom, assuming he was either there or out getting high, when she spotted an orange bottle on the floor. Hesitantly, she leaned down and picked it up. It was Connor’s medication, the one he’d just gotten refilled a few days prior. But it was empty and the cap was off. Why would…?

  


Zoe’s eyes suddenly went wide and she dropped the bottle, sprinting out of the room and desperately checking to see if he was in the bathroom or somewhere in the house.

Nothing.

With tears forming in her eyes, she pulled her phone out and opened the  _ Find My iPhone _ app, hoping and praying that Connor had his phone with him and that it wasn’t dead--that  _ he _ wasn’t dead. And he did. The map showed Connor’s device at the park, which was a ten minute walk.

So Zoe ran. She got there in about six minutes because of how fast she had been running. As she ran, tears escaped her eyes, rolling back on her cheeks and leaving trails of stained mascara along the way.

As soon as she got to the park, she started screaming.

  


“ _ Connor! _ ”

  


Her voice was shrill, desperate, scared. She kept calling as she ran through the park, tears rolling down her cheeks.

  


Even if she and Connor didn’t have the best recent history together, he was still her brother and she still loved him beyond belief. If he wasn’t okay, she didn’t know what she would do with herself. That’s why finding all those pills to be missing sent her into a state of panic.

  


Did Connor try to kill himself? Why? Did he really not see a reason to live? Was it because everyone in the house seemed scared of him and angry with him all the time? Come to think of it, she can’t remember the last time their family had a civil conversation with him. She can’t remember the last time he didn’t swear at them or scream or break something. She should’ve cared about him more. She should’ve tried to help him instead of fight him. She should’ve--

  


Her eyes widened when she saw a figure laying on the ground, shaking, hair a mess, and groans audible. Zoe quickly sprinted, part of her hoping it was her brother and part of her hoping it wasn’t. She called “ _ Connor? _ ” and the figure shifted slightly, grunting in response. As the body turned, the hair fell away from the face and Zoe felt her heart drop at the blue eyes looking up at her, uncharacteristically filled with fear.

  


“Oh my God, Connor!”

  


She rushed to his side, crouching next to her brother and struggling to lift him slightly into her arms. The sight before her broke her heart.

  


There was her older brother, who she was convinced was a monster, shaking and sweating uncontrollably. Tears fell from his frightened eyes and rolled down his cheeks as he was gasping for air, murmuring incoherent words. 

  


He looked pitiful.

  


“Oh, Connor… why? Why did you--?”

  


“No one… no one f-fucking c… cared…” Connor choked out in response.

  


Zoe blinked, then started shaking her head, willing herself not to break. “I did, Con.”

  


“I-it didn’t… seem like th-that…”

  


“God, I-- I’m so sorry, Con, I--”

  


“Zoe,” Connor cut her off, his eyes squeezed shut. “Shut up…”

  


Any other time, Zoe would have protested and continued to speak, for whatever reason, even just to get under his skin. But not now. Now, she let the silence sink in, the only other sounds being the wind in the tree’s and Connor’s gasping for air.

  


“Zoe,” Connor suddenly choked out in a whine, breaking the quiet. He burped and sputtered, vomiting all over himself and on Zoe’s arms. The girl flinched a bit, but put up with the bodily fluids she was now covered in, sitting her brother up enough so he could lean over onto the grass instead of himself, and also so he wouldn’t choke on his own bile. As soon as he was done, he drew in a shaking breath, a sob escaping his lips as tears rolled harshly down his face. “Zoe, fuck, I-I’m dying..! Oh my fucking God, I’m dying, Zoe, I’m dying! I’m dying! I’m-- I’m going to die!” Panic took over the boy and he started shaking more violently, grasping onto his sister for dear life. Actually for dear life, like if he let go, it was certain he’d be dead.

  


Zoe frantically pulled her brother closer with one arm, trying to swallow her own fear as she whispered stuff like “ _ you’re going to be okay _ ” and “ _ I’m right here, Con _ ” as she pulled her phone out, dialing 9-1-1, which she definitely should’ve done sooner, but she was too shocked to find Connor that it didn’t cross her mind. The phone wrang a few times before an operator answered.

  


“ _ 9-1-1, what’s your emergency? _ ”

  


“Hello? M-my brother. H-he-- he overdosed. He took a whole bottle of pills a-and he’s in the park and-- he’s dying!” Zoe yelled into the phone. The calm facade she’d put on for her brother had vanished at this point, but she still tried to hold back her choking sobs, for the sake of the operator being able to understand her and for the sake of avoiding increasing her brother’s own panic.

  


“ _ Okay, ma’am, is your brother still conscious? _ ”

  


“Yes,” Zoe answered, glancing down at Connor to double check, and when she saw him gasping for air and shaking, looking up at her with his blue eyes wide, so wide she could clearly see the fleck of brown in the left one, she felt her voice catch in her throat as she repeated, “Y-yes, he is.”

  


“ _ Good. What is your current location? _ ”

  


“Uhm- E-Ellison State Park?”

  


“ _Okay._ ” There was the sound of typing for a moment. “ _May I ask you to put your phone on speaker, if you are able, so I can speak to both of you?_ ”

  


Zoe complied, moving the phone away from her ear and clicking the speaker button, making sure the volume was up all the way. “Okay,” she said, “you’re on speaker.” Connor gave a quizzical look but he went with it.

  


“ _ Thank you. What are your names? _ ”

  


“I-I’m Zoe, and my brother--”

  


“Connor,” the boy interrupted (which startled Zoe a bit) in a weak, shaking voice. “I-I’m Connor.”

  


“ _ Zoe and Connor _ ,” the operator repeated back, and both siblings made a noise of confirmation. “ _ Okay. Connor, can I ask what kind of medication you took?” _

  


There was a pause, and Zoe could see the guilt in Connor’s eyes as he sniffled. “I-I, uh… it was fluoxetine. M-my… prescribed medication. Um… 60 milligram… c-capsules.”

  


There was the sound of typing, probably for hospital records or something, and then they spoke again. “ _ Okay, there’s an ambulance on the way. Can you stay on the line with me until then? _ ” There was another groan of confirmation. “ _ Good. _ ” There was a small pause, then the operator began to speak once again. They were obviously at a point, now, where they were going to keep them distracted and calm--well, as calm as possible. “ _ How old are you? _ ”

  


“I’m 16,” Zoe began, “and Connor is 17.”

  


“ _ So, you’re… a junior and senior in high school? _ ” There was a very subtle hint of something in the operator’s voice that could be translated to  _ god, they’re too young to be going through this _ .

  


“Yes,” Zoe confirmed.

  


“ _ Do you like school? _ ”

  


“Uh…” Both siblings looked at each other and shrugged. Connor obviously did not, but Zoe was relatively happy with it. “Sort of,” the sister replied.

  


“ _ Yeah? Have you got friends? _ ”

  


“Yeah, I have a bunch of friends in jazz band and--”

  


“I don’t,” Connor interrupted. He had managed to get the words out without his voice quivering. It stunned both Zoe and the operator into silence for a moment, and Zoe felt chills run down her arms. The boy spoke again. “Most people… a-at school are… are scared of me. B-but most of them get on my-y nerves… anyways… so…”

  


“ _ Most? Who’s the exception? _ ”

  


Connor shifted awkwardly in his sister’s arms. “There was this… this k-kid who seemed… I don’t know, okay, I guess. H-his friend… is a douchebag, though. I mean… I thought this kid was okay… until today… he fucking laughed at me and… wrote t-this weird ass le-letter to-” Connor closed his eyes, clenching his jaw and taking in a shaking breath. “So… yeah, I guess there’s… a-actually no one, then…”

  


“ _ But you have Zoe, don’t you? _ ”

  


The operator’s question caused both siblings to fall into silence and look at each other, sorrow in their gazes.

“No…” Connor finally spoke up, “no, not really…” Zoe looked like she went to make a protest, although she knew it was true, but Connor stopped her by continuing. “I’m… I-I’m a really angry p-person, and I take my a-anger out on everyone… my parents, k-kids at school, the one kid that… that seemed okay, Zoe… e-everyone. I’ve kinda b-become a… villain…”

  


“ _ So you don’t think Zoe cares? _ ”

  


“I don’t… I don’t know…”

  


Zoe drew in a breath, chewing on her lip for a moment before shaking her head. “Con, I do care. If i didn’t, do you think I would’ve tracked you down?”

  


Connor furrowed his eyebrows slightly at the response. “Then w-why now? Why- only when my life… is on the line? So you c-can be some kind of… some kind of fucking hero?”

  


“No! Because… because I was afraid to approach you before…” Zoe admitted, guilt coating her voice.

  


But Connor’s face just softened a bit and he looked down, because he knew that was a pretty damn good reason. “Oh… I-I guess that’s valid…”

  


The operator cut in suddenly. “ _ Okay, you guys, the ambulance is close. Can you tell me when you see it? _ ”

  


“We will,” Zoe said into the phone. “I think I hear it.”

  


“Z-Zo?” Connor gasped suddenly, his grip on his sister tightening--he was pretty sure she’d have fingernail-shaped cuts on her arm after this. “Z-Zoe, I-I-I… I-I’m so fucking s-sorry for everything- everything I-I’ve ever fucking done. God, I-I’m so sorry--” His breathing was becoming more irregular, and Zoe knew this meant he couldn’t hold on much longer. 

  


It was a miracle that the ambulance suddenly pulled into view. “I-I see the ambulance!” Zoe shouted, cradling her brother closer, not even acknowledging the fact that the vomit that was still on him was now on her shirt. The operator did a final check-in with them and then they hung up. Zoe pocketed her phone, allowing herself to wrap both arms around her brother, holding him securely. The ambulance parked and paramedics rushed out with a stretcher.

  


“Over here! My brother! H-he’s the one who needs help!” Zoe shrieked, tears spilling freely down her cheeks and her voice incredibly choked now. She knew the people knew it was them--if anyone saw a girl cradling her shaking brother, covered in vomit, they’d know they needed help--but something in her felt the need to call for them.

  


They ran over, lifting Connor from Zoe’s arms and loading him onto the stretcher, and the boy groaned in response, muttering something shakily about not wanting to leave his sister. After their little moment and “therapy session” with the operator, Connor had realized he needed Zoe. It was a sudden and uncharacteristic realization, maybe it was the drugs, but he didn’t want to be left alone; he wanted Zoe to stay.

  


The paramedics looked to Zoe, and she quickly rushed over, taking the look as an okay to go. She hastily grabbed Connor’s hand, and he squeezed hers fiercely, which made her wince, but she reminded herself that Connor was in far much more pain. She could bear this pain.

  


They piled into the ambulance, Zoe never letting go of her brother’s hand, afraid that if she did, he’d slip away, and after learning about how he didn’t see a reason for living, how he didn’t feel like he should stick around, how he felt no one cared, she felt like she needed to give him a reason. She needed to support him and help him and care for him and show her brother that she really loved him.

  


Because Connor Murphy was not the monster that she knew.

**Author's Note:**

> update: hey y'all, i'm writing a sequel ;)  
> update 2: sequel is up please read thanks


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